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Post by navlem on Jan 19, 2007 15:01:15 GMT 7
This will be a jokes thread where everybody can read and reduce stress! Constantly Updated!
The Maid
A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?"
Long pause... "Uh .... is this 832-4821?"
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Post by qks57 on Jan 19, 2007 15:18:32 GMT 7
Lesson One:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and Do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. ___________________________________________________
Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull."They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was spotted by a farmer, who then shot him out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullnuts might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. ___________________________________________________
Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson: (1) Not everyone who s.h.i.t.s on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of s.h.i.t is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep s.h.i.t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
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Post by navlem on Jan 19, 2007 15:20:21 GMT 7
Desert Island
A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there.
"Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!" Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
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Post by qks57 on Jan 19, 2007 15:25:38 GMT 7
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have? Ted: $10. Teacher: You don't know maths. Ted: You don't know my father!
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Mother: David, come here. David: Yes, mum? Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse. David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow. Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
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A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father. Daughter: It's mummy! Father: How do you know? Daughter: She didn't say anything.
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Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Yes Dear Girl: Would you die for me? Boy: No, mine is undying love
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Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his? Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?" Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir." Teacher: "Use your dad's then." Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
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A boy came home from school with his exam results. "What did u get?" asked his father. "My marks are under water," said the boy. "What do u mean 'under water'?" "They are all below 'C' level"
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Post by navlem on Jan 19, 2007 15:28:22 GMT 7
Deadly Habits
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
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Post by qks57 on Jan 19, 2007 15:32:24 GMT 7
Telephone Conversation
Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are ! talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: But I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Just give me your name don't keep saying sorry to me!
Operator: But I'm Saw Lee!
Caller: ^&$%^$*(&%^%$#$
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Post by navlem on Jan 19, 2007 15:36:08 GMT 7
haha, that annie wan joke is good!
New CEO
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Pizza Hut."
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Post by qks57 on Jan 19, 2007 15:53:18 GMT 7
LOL!this new CEO joke is good too!haha.love the wrong call 1 too.x)
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Post by navlem on Jan 19, 2007 15:56:14 GMT 7
X-rated parrot
A woman had a female parrot which kept saying: 'Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?'
She was frantic, so she went to her Pastor to find a solution to the problem. The Pastor said, 'Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her.'
So, the woman brought the parrot to his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She squawked, 'Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?' One male parrot looked at the other one and said, 'Put away the Bible, Fred, our prayers have been answered.'
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Post by navlem on Jan 19, 2007 16:04:05 GMT 7
And they say maths is hard
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Post by donkeykong on Jan 19, 2007 20:27:55 GMT 7
And they say maths is hard This is probably the funniest of them all haha
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Post by navlem on Jan 19, 2007 21:21:12 GMT 7
Women Explained!
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Post by donkeykong on Jan 20, 2007 0:12:04 GMT 7
lol I saw this on a woman's shirt before "No money, no honey"
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Post by navlem on Jan 20, 2007 0:16:01 GMT 7
Graffiti Removal HotlineWho didn't see that coming?
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Post by navlem on Jan 20, 2007 1:15:10 GMT 7
Facts
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June.
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Heh heh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father.
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Post by qks57 on Jan 20, 2007 9:52:42 GMT 7
LOL!!!!
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Post by navlem on Jan 20, 2007 18:04:29 GMT 7
Guys do not use this toilet!
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dark
New Drifter
***Team Adrenaline Rush***
Posts: 35
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Post by dark on Jan 21, 2007 17:30:39 GMT 7
LOL.. That was one nice joke ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by navlem on Jan 22, 2007 15:48:28 GMT 7
Explaining his claim
A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.
"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company.
"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.
"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better inn my life.' Is that the case?"
"Yeah, but" stammered the farmer.
"A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.
"Yes," Replied the farmer.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.
"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to him?"
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Post by qks57 on Jan 22, 2007 20:11:08 GMT 7
LOL.tat police officer is crazy or something?haha.
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Post by navlem on Jan 22, 2007 22:49:33 GMT 7
Unlucky
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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Post by navlem on Jan 25, 2007 11:14:27 GMT 7
Long Life
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Post by qks57 on Jan 25, 2007 12:00:16 GMT 7
CLASS TIME[/u]
The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned quiet. That is because the fiercest teacher in the school had entered the class. Her face is as fierce as a lion which will bite anyone's head off if offended... And if you wanna know more.... follow the lesson. Students: Good morning, teacher.
Teacher : (shouting) Why is it only good morning? What about afternoon and night?
Students: Good morning, afternoon and night teacher!
Teacher : That is unacceptable! It is too long. Just wish me best regards for my whole day! That is much better as it is easier and full of meaning. And that greeting can also be used for all times.
Students: Best regards teacher!
Teacher : That's better, sit down! Listen today I'm going to test you all on words that have the opposite meaning. When I say a sentence or word, all of you must answer quickly the opposite meaning to the words, understand?
Students: Understood teacher!
Teacher : I do not want any disturbance!
Students: (silence)
Teacher : Clever!
Students: Stupid!
Teacher : High!
Students: Low!
Teacher : Popular!
Students: Calafare!
Teacher : Wrong!
Students: Correct!
Teacher : Stupid!
Students: Clever!
Teacher : No!
Students: Yes!
Teacher : Oh God!
Students: Oh Slave!
Teacher : Listen to this!
Students: Listen to that!
Teacher : Quiet!
Students: Noisy!
Teacher : That's not a question, stupid!
Students: This is an answer, clever!
Teacher : I'm dead!
Students: We're alive!
Teacher : I'm lazy to teach!
Students: We are hardworking to learn!
Teacher : Enough! Enough!
Students: More! More!
Teacher : Stop! Stop!
Students: Start! Start!
Teacher : Why are you people so stupid?!
Students: Because I am someone clever!
Teacher : Lack manners!
Students: Taught enough!
Teacher : O.K. Lesson has ended!
Students: K.O. Lesson has not started!
Teacher : Enough, stupid!
Students: More, clever!
Teacher : Stand up!
Students: Sit down!
Teacher : I said CALAFARE was wrong!
Students: We said POPULAR was correct!
Teacher : You people are dumb!
Students: We are gifted!
Teacher : All of you must stay back this afternoon!
Students: Released tonight!
Teacher kept quiet, gathered her books and went out.
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Post by navlem on Jan 25, 2007 14:08:32 GMT 7
haha, that student pwns the teacher! Would you use this toilet?
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Post by qks57 on Jan 25, 2007 19:51:30 GMT 7
WOOO~~mayb i'll try.x)but not alone thou.=x
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